The Feelings I Hide
by Findel
Summary: Zelgadis reflects on his feelings for Lina and ends up leaving without telling her, but he accidentally leaves her a present in the process


**The Feelings I Hide**

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Here's a songfic that popped into my head while stuck away from home during my cousin's wedding. This is set right before the group splits up after try.

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_I got lost, couldn't find my way  
and I guess there's nothing more to say  
love can make you blind,_

'Well looks like another adventure has come to its end,' Zelgadis mused as he watched over the camp during the night. 'Looks like Lina Inverse has saved the world from destruction. I wonder what they will do when we split up in a few days? Oh well, its none of my business, all I know is I've heard there's a possibility of a cure being in the desert of destruction and that's where I'm heading.'

Zel shifted his position on the rock he was on to look towards where Lina slept. He smiled slightly as he watched her sleep. She had a look of innocence on her face that you would never believed she could posses when she was awake. 'I still remember when we first met. I was after the philosopher's stone, and she had it. I tried to bargain with her but she was so stubborn. Ever since then I have been lost in the wild adventures she has dragged us on. And, to think its all coming to an end once again,' Zelgadis reminisced about the past to himself. 

_make you act so strange  
but I'm here and here I will stay_

Zel focused his attention back towards Lina, the vivacious redhead that had pulled him along on so many travels he couldn't recall the last time he wasn't with her. She tossed in her sleep and rolled to face Zel and smiled. The smile was sweet and purely happy. Zel felt his pulse quicken as he looked at her but soon beat the feeling down, 'No, don't start this. You know that will never be. She doesn't want a freak like you. She has a attractive blonde lap dog to please her.' Zel seethed jealously as he turned his cold gaze to the blonde swordsman. "Stupid jelly fish," Zel practically spat.

Gourry was gracious enough to sneeze before rolling back over and snoring more. Zel's gaze stayed on the swordsman. He so wanted to drag him out into the woods in a burlap bag and toss him in a river. Not to kill him but just to have him wash up somewhere and not be able to find them again. 'Hah. What a pathetic fool you would be if you thought that would give you a chance. Lina would just go searching for him until he was found. She would never give you a chance freak,' he mentally berated himself for thinking something like that getting Gourry lost would help.   
  
_ So everyday I cry  
yes everyday I fall_

He turned away from the blonde buffoon just to see Lina's smiling face. He felt his heart clench as he looked at her again. He felt the one tear fall down his cheek. He moved quickly and caught it before it crashed into the rock and woke someone. The last thing he needed was to let someone see him like this. He fought the rest of the tears back as he held the one crystal dream tear gently in the palm of his hand. He soon turned and laid back against the large rock he used as a make-shift perch. He looked at the tear as he pondered what he would do. "Damnit, why now? If only it could have been a few more days and I would have been alone," he grumbled lowly to himself.

He studied the tear, watched it shine in the moonlight. Then bracing himself he pressed his index finger on it and was washed away in the memory it contained. There she was, she was right behind him, staying close to him for protection. He always wanted to be the one to hold, to protect her, but it was always Gourry who won that honor. He removed his finger from the crystal and sat up facing away from the camp. He couldn't stand it, he had to get away for a bit, to just be alone.

_do you ever wonder why,  
why I love everything about you_

Zel landed silently as he leaped of the rock and made his way quietly into the forest. He walked while trying to get control over himself, trying to rein control over the feelings that where going wild inside of him. He soon stumbled into a clearing with a few logs spread about the area. He unsheathed his sword and held it in his right hand as he still held the dream tear in his left. He move forward quickly and swung a blow into the log. He began to repeat the process. The more he attacked the log the more he forgot about the feelings inside. As he continued his demeanor changed and he became enraged. He wanted to drive the sword into something, something that was alive and not a block of wood. He soon pictured Gourry looking at him and smiling dumbly as ever. Zel gritted his teeth and raised his sword. He swung with force and brutality that it split the log and image Gourry in two.

He breathed heavily as he still saw Gourry split in half. His eyes started to blur as he looked down on the image and smiled. Streaks of red began to take dominion over his eyes and with a feral smile he turned back towards the camp. As he was about to step out the clearing his eyes returned to there normal color and he stopped. 'I...I...I was going to try and ki...ki...kill Gourry. What stopped me, what?' He felt a heat in his left hand and opened it to see the dream tear had changed from its translucence aquamarine color to that of blood red. He dropped the tear on the soft ground and grabbed his head in horror.

  
_ But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still  
'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep we will_

He began to sob, years of turmoil coming out from under the cleverly created mask that was Zelgadis Greywords. The tears crystallized as fell to earth and made a slight thud sound as they came to rest on the grass without shattering. After a few moments of weakness Zel collected himself and the tears that he found in the grass. He found another oddly colored one right at his knees. It was dark blue and he picked it up. Upon the contact the tear shot memories into Zel's mind that he wanted so bad to forget. Being alone without anyone else, being betrayed by Rezo, the many times he missed his chance for cures, or found out that it was a wild goose chase. All the sadness he ever felt in his life seemed to be locked into the tear.

He dropped the crystal, not wanting to see anymore. The tear came to rest a few inches in front of him. He shook his head, trying to clear it of all the painful memories, then took a small piece of cloth out of his cloak and picked up the offending gem. He then placed them in a pouch and headed back towards the camp. His watch was soon to be done and if anyone awoke to find him gone then there would be a lot of questions he didn't feel like answering. As he snuck back into the camp he caught sight of Lina dreamily smiling and felt his heartbeat increase. As he fought to control his emotions another dream tear leaked out. He caught it and was instantly sucked into the memories locked within the precious jewel. He saw Lina in all her radiant glory. He saw her taking on every challenge without fear and with plenty of confidence. He saw her smile, remembered her scent, watched her laugh and he felt genuinely happy. When the tear released him he looked down to see it was a white and pink speckled crystal. He put it away and headed toward Lina to wake her for her watch.   
  
_ It picked me up, knocked me off my feet  
I've got no way to explain_

As he was about to bend over to wake Lina he began to have another bout with his mind. 'Stop all this. She will never want you no matter what you do. She will never care for you.' His mind continued to attack him and he felt a tear leak out of his eye. He reacted quickly, catching the crystal with his palm, so he wouldn't wake Lina or get sucked into more memories. As he put the tear into the pouch he noticed it was a pure black tear. He shivered as it dropped into the bag, 'I don't ever want to know what hides in that tear,' he thought as he began to gently shake Lina awake. "Lina...Lina, Its time for your watch," he whispered into her ear.

"...can't I get a few more minutes sleep," Lina asked as she rolled over and started drifting back to sleep.

"Ok, you asked for it," Zel said with an evil grin, "Aqua Create."

With that a thing of water landed right on Lina's head she was wide awake, "Why in the hell did you do that," Lina yelled angrily at the chimera, that had so rudely awakened her from her sleep, as she wrung out her hair.

"Because you wouldn't get up," Zel replied with a smirk as he walked towards his bedroll.

"Hrmp," was Lina's response as she sat on the same rock Zel had for watch.

_ still I love you, love you, love you but this fire inside  
will never see the light of day_

Lina sulked on the rock as she looked down at the sleeping occupants of the camp. 'I can't believe Zel actually did that. Man, what's his problem tonight. All I wanted was a bit more sleep.' She turned and looked off into the forest to entertain herself. 'Man watch is so boring,' Lina mentally grumbled as she viewed the foliage. She stayed on the rock for a while and then leaped off when she was sure everyone was asleep. "I have to find something to do," she mumbled to herself as she went walking into the forest.

As she walked along she soon noticed that a some of the up to your knees grass had been flattened out. Curious as to what might of caused this Lina followed the trample path in the grass. A few moments later she came into a clearing. As she looked around she saw that one of the logs in the clearing had been split in half. Upon further inspection she found that the log had not only been split in half but it had been used in sword practice from the looks of the cuts in it. 'Hmm, this was recently done. I wonder if Zel did this? And, if so, then why? Was he bored, or is there something bothering him.' Lina turned around and felt her foot kick something. She watched as a small crystal popped out of the grass and land a few feet in front of her. The object caught the light of the moon in mid-flight and reflected an aquamarine and sliver color. Lina, at first thinking it was a stone just watched it, but as it reflected the moonlight she realized it was something special and retrieved it.

  
_ So everyday goes by  
and everyday I fall_

She picked up the stone and examined it. It looked to be something like an oblong shaped aqua colored marble. As she studied more her eyes widened to the realization that the misty look on the inside was changing. She watched as the inside change shape and began to reflect different colors and she clutched it tightly. 'Hmm, this could be worth something. And, if it isn't, its still beautiful looking,' as Lina pondered the stone she got up and started heading back towards camp. She got back to the rock and hoped up onto her perch. She held the stone between her thumb and forefinger to examine it even more. She then brought the stone up so the moon light could shine through and watched in delight as the colors began to mix and mingle as the light shone through. "I wonder how such a pretty jewel got way out in the woods like that," she asked herself and then it hit her.

'If it was Zel that did that to the tree then he would have to have been the one to have dropped this. I'll have to ask him what this is in the morning,' Lina thought as she continued to watch the color show on the inside of the unknown dream tear. She entertained herself the rest of the watch with the same stone that she had found in the clearing that night. 

_ it makes me wonder why,  
my life's worth nothing without you_

The next morning the slayers group moved out of the forest and headed towards the next town. As usual Zel was in the back of the marching order while he went over his thoughts from last night. 'Why do I keep doing this? I could never have Lina,' he berated mentally and then another idea came in, 'Maybe because she is all you have left in this life?' Zel stopped in his tracks for a second and let the idea wash over him. He was soon brought out of it by Lina saying, "Hello, Earth to Zel," as she waved a hand in front of his face.

Zel snapped back to attention and just looked at Lina. A second later, after noticing the look of concern on her face, he said, "Sorry."

"That's ok Zel, its just you stopped right in the middle of the road and we didn't want to just leave you here," Lina said matter-of-factly.

"Let's just head on. We need to get to the next town before nightfall," Zel stated blandly as he began to walk again.   
  
_ But everyday I say I'll try  
to make my heart be still_

Lina had continued marching but this time she stayed in back with Zel. She had to ask him about last night and this was the best way to do it. She pulled the jewel out of one of the pockets in her cloak and asked, "Hey Zel, I found this stone last night and I was wondering if you knew what it was?"

"Its probably...," Zel stopped speaking when he saw the stone. He knew exactly what it was and was about to die of a heart attack when he saw Lina had found one of his dream tears. 'Thank the gods she's wearing gloves or I would've been dragon slaved to the other side of the world,' Zel sighed in slight relief. "I...I really don't know what that is. I've never seen one before," Zel nervously lied.

Lina took note of how nervous he was, 'He knows more than he's telling me. Oh Zel, why do you have to be so secretive, especially around me?' Lina tucked away the stone and nonchalantly stated, "Oh well, I thought you would know. Maybe I can find out later."

Zel just continued walking beside Lina not saying a word. While on the inside his mind was running wild with questions and fears. 'How did she get that? I thought I got all of the dream tears collected from the clearing. I hope she never touches it without her gloves on. Has she already?!? She might've already. Why else would she ask me in particular,' Zel continued to berate as they went towards the town.

_'cos every way there is to cry,  
ourselves to sleep, we will_

The group soon came to a town right as it was getting dark. As usual Zel ordered his cup of coffee as he watched Lina and the rest dig into their food. Lina and Gourry where fighting over the last drumstick when the thing just levitated into the air in front of the them. They stopped and watched as something took a bite out of it and soon a certain trickster priest materialized with the chicken in his hand. "Hello everyone, glad to see you saved some of the bird for me," Xellos said teasingly as he took another bite of the chicken.

Lina scowled at the mazuko as he finished off the last piece of chicken. She waited until he landed in a seat at the table before she jumped him and put him in a headlock. "Xellos!!! You crazy assed mazuko why did you eat my piece of chicken," Lina all but screamed at the helpless Xellos.

"Maybe because I know you'll react like this and then I can get a real meal," was Xellos' reply as Lina looked down at him with a somewhat shocked expression.

Xellos then phased out of Lina's hold and sat down in a chair. Just as he was getting comfortable Lina pushed him out of the chair and into the floor. Xellos looked up at Lina with a faux saddened look and got as a reply, "That's my chair buddy and no one sits in it but me."   
  
_ You'll never know, no, no, no ,no ,no  
you'll never know just how close we were_

After the commotion died down from Xellos' entrance the slayer group soon found themselves getting sleepy. "Well...yawn...I'll see you guys in the morning," Amelia yawned as she headed up the stairs.

Everyone had gone to their rooms for the night but not everyone could sleep. Lina Inverse tossed and turned in her bed. No matter what she did she couldn't shake the idea that Zelgadis was hiding something and it was keeping her awake. She pulled the gem out of her pocket and looked at it, 'I know he knows something about this but how will I ever get him to talk about it.' Lina jumped three feet in the air with a squeak when she heard, "Lina-chan, what's wrong," from behind her.

She whipped around quickly after landing and glared at the person there, "Xellos!!! What are you doing in my room at this time of night and without knocking!!!"

"I just felt a lot of negative vibes coming from your room. While I am enjoying the meal I only need to feed so much so now I'm here to see if your ok," Xellos stated nonchalantly.

Lina looked down on the ground and blushed slightly, "Its just I found this stone the other night. I didn't know what it was, but I had a good idea that Zel might. Well, when I asked him earlier today he got nervous about it and changed the subject. It just kinda worries me that he can't open up to us," she said with a sigh while showing Xellos the stone.

_ you'll never know, no, no, no ,no ,no  
you'll never know   
no you'll never see_

Xellos looked at the stone and realized what it was in a matter of seconds. 'So our little chimera has had an emotional swing within the past few days and Lina found one of his tears. Sloppy Zel-kun, very sloppy indeed.' "Ahh...I see now," Xellos piped up.

"What?!? You know what it is?!? Tell me, please," Lina asked Xellos with a pleading look on her face.

Xellos shivered slightly, even if he was a mazuko he still had weaknesses as well, and Lina Inverse asking him in this way was wearing him down. "Sore wa himitsu desu," Xellos replied as he phased out away from Lina.

Lina balled her fist in rage and yelled, "Xellos!!! Come back here and tell me what I want to know!!!"

From out of nowhere Xellos' voice came and he replied, "Yare, yare Lina-chan. You will learn what that is in due time, just be patient."

With that Lina began to punch a pillow, profanities pouring out her mouth like venom from a cobra. She stopped when the door flew open and Zel stood there with out his shirt. He looked around and then turned to Lina asking a bit breathless, "Are you alright?"

Lina looked down at her feet as a deep red blush took dominion over her face. She shuffled her feet for a second before she answered, "I...I'm...I'm fine. Xe....Xellos was just teasing me."   
  
_ The book closes and we try to forget  
but I know that things won't change_

Zel shook his head and said, "Ok, but all that yelling scared the hell out of me, I thought you might have been in trouble."

Lina quickly looked up to see Zel heading out the door. She couldn't help but go starry-eyed as she watched him leave. She watched as each moment showed off his well chiseled physique, the way his hair glowed in the moonlight and she felt her legs almost give out. Lina sighed slightly when he shut the door behind him but she was tired now and wanted to get some sleep. 'Wow, maybe I should scream late a night more if I get that in response,' Lina thought with a mischievous grin on her face. Her eyes fluttered closed and she began to dream of herself begin with a certain half dressed chimera.

On the other hand the same chimera being dreamed about couldn't find anyway to get to sleep. He paced back an forth in his room trying to think of what to do next. 'I have to go. I can't stay. Lina will sooner or later figure out what that stone is and it will be over. I would rather not see her again then to be rejected like that,' Zel soon stopped and said, "Come out Xellos, I know your there."

The trickster priest soon appeared out of a shadow in the corner of the room with a pout on his face. "Oh Zel-kun your no fun," Xellos exclaimed with a faux hurt voice.

_ how we feel, how life goes on  
and that seems so strange_

"Shut up fruitcake," Zel turned to face the mazuko and finished saying, "I don't have time to play games with you."

"Well, what are you going to do about Lina-chan having one of your dream tears? That was very sloppy of you, you know," Xellos chided while wagging a finger at Zel.

Zel stopped in his packing when Xellos mentioned the accursed tear. He then turned and said, "Let her keep it. By the time she figures it out I will be long gone. And don't help her before I leave or so help me I will kill you," he added with a dangerous tone.

"Whatever Zel-kun. But, don't worry that secret is safe with me. Lina is a smart girl and it is much more entertaining to watch her figure it out," Xellos smiled at Zel as he finished his packing.

Zel pulled on his shirt, cloak, and backpack and sighed to himself, "Time to get going."   
  
_ And so the light fades away  
try, try, try as I may_

"Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye before you leave," Xellos asked with a smirk on his face.

"Why should I? Its not like anyone will truly miss me," Zelgadis added dismally.

"Hmm, I seem to remember a certain red-haired sorceress that told you that she was your friend," 'And not to mention that the same sorceress is having a wet dream which you are the topic matter,' Xellos asked while he mused over the emotions he was reading from Lina at the moment.

Zel glared at Xellos and the sighed saying, "She just says that to make me feel better. No one here truly cares about what happens to me. I'm only useful in battle as an extra body and some extra power."

_ I can't stop thinking about you  
it seems my life's worth nothing without you_

"As much as I like this depression buffet you are suffering me Zel-kun, I must disagree. I know a lot of the group really do think of you as a friend. Including yours truly, well that is when I'm not on business matters, oh and stop looking at me like I just killed someone," Xellos said as Zel gave him an evil glare of untrusting. 

"Geez, when did you become the party guilt trip," Zel asked with an annoyed look to his face. 

"When Lina-chan isn't around to beat the sense into you Zel-kun," Xellos answered playfully. 

"Fruitcake," Zel murmured as he walked out into the hall.   
  
_ But everyday I say I'll try  
to make my heart be still_  
  
"Where are you going," Xellos asked as he followed Zel into the hall. 

"I'm going to wish someone goodbye. I would appreciate it if I were alone to do this," Zel replied while glaring dangerously over his shoulder at Xellos. 

"Yare, yare Zel-kun. You and Lina-chan are just so touchy tonight," with that the trickster priest phased out of the inn. 

'About damn time he left,' Zel thought as he made his way to Lina's room. He skillfully opened the door without making a sound. He was soon standing above Lina's sleeping form as she smiled up at him. He was leaning down when Lina mumbled, "Zel...," in her sleep. 

_ 'til then every way there is to cry,  
ourselves to sleep, we will_

Zel stood up for a second then leaned down and lightly kissed Lina on the forehead. He then turned on his heel and made his way out the door. He got to a hill at the edge of town when he turned around and looked back at the Inn. "Hopefully, I will see you again one day Lina-chan, and when I do hopefully I will be worthy of your love."

With that the ivory clad chimera crested the hill and started walking towards the barren waste lands of the desert of destruction never to be seen again.

_ Everyday, everyday you know I try so hard  
everyday, everyday it gets a little harder_

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Disclaimer: Any characters or ideas from **The Slayers** do not belong to me. I am not selling this material, just writing for the heck of it as I go.

The song 'Everyday,' used in this fic belongs to Phil Collins

Note: For those of you that might be disappointed with the ending don't worry. I have a few sequels coming soon that will continue the story. Until then hope you enjoyed. 

Feedback is requested, please send all comments to findelhe@hotmail.com

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